Maria Susanna Perchard

This little girl mean's the world to me,my husband and our 3 sons.
Not a day goes by when we don't think of her and she will never be forgotten.
Sadly Maria had a problem growing,we knew from the starts something wasn't right when at the dating scan the dates were out by 18days the doctors assumed I got my dates wrong but we knew 110% we cant have,nothing was picked up on the 19wk scan and we started to relax and look forward to her arrival choosing her name and buying a few pink items was very exciting for us all.

But it wasn't to be,shortly after 6mths I stopped feeling movement and 3days later scans confirmed she had died and measured 21wks 4 days despite being older I remember seeing for myself and turning to my husband shaking my head before pushing the nurse to say it-we watched as her heart slowly fluttered and stopped,because of this we had to walk through ante-natal not looking at anybody to go to xray department and wait for another scan,the sonographer there asked if a fetal sac was present before starting,lying down I really didn't look pregnant and the nurse whispered just how far gone I was.

Maria was facing us in the 19wk scan and with the last she had turned over to fall asleep...we were given the last scan pictures which showed no sign of life over a period of minutes the consultant explained that I would come back the next day for a tablet that would help my body prepare for labor and could start it,if not I would be induced 3days later but I knew the drill this hadn't been the first time for me..numb we went out to buy her clothes and gifts in case we had her sooner..unable to tell shop staff why we wanted such small items and didn't know the size they spoke of how good special care is and how we just needed to feed her up.

3 Days later I was induced on my mothers birthday,I really felt that I would go into labor sooner but I didn't until I arrived at the hospital and realized-this is it,I had hung on to her I didn't want to let her go the contractions started 11am the moment I relaxed and let my guard down.

7 unbelievably painful hours later feet first with the cord around her neck 3 times Maria was born still,we were told to look away the nurse said 'I know you want to see but not like this' I needed an operation to remove the afterbirth and when I came back it really hit me it was all over,she stayed with us overnight in a Moses basket I clutched it tight,wrapped in a blanket we had bought her and a little pink bunny,she had the most precious hands and feet I will never forget them,the hospital took photo's and prints,I don't feel able to show people photo's and it isn't because I don't feel proud she was beautiful but tiny I just feel they are for us only..I cant explain it any other way I have dealt with each loss very differently some things I feel the need to suppress and others I need to air and honor. The scan picture shows her little face on the left with little fists.

Maria weighed just 1lb 6oz and never would have led a normal life even if she had been born alive,it is believed she had a neuron disorder I always felt that I left it too late to be seen we got there at the very last moments but they insist nothing could have been done to save her and I find comfort in knowing she past in peace and wont suffer a life of pain and uncertainty.
We went home and my milk came in,something I found devastating with no baby to feed,so many mothers at my boys school were having healthy baby girls and I couldn't bare to leave the house for weeks.

The funeral was 21st December 2007 and I will never be the same again and I will probably never have another daughter but I am so thankful we have 3 healthy crazy little boys,they bring us so much joy and they will always know they had a little sister we often talk about her they see her photos and prints and we always celebrate her angel day and birthday we feel her presense in the house most days,she may never walk but she can fly and she is very special.

To add on 11/01/09 we had a 4th son on 31st oct 2008 Joseph who is completely precious the pregnancy was terrifying and we feel so blessed and thankful to have him in our lives,he has his sisters hands and reminds us daily of her I am sure she is very proud of her very special little brother xx